As you already know, this past week we took the first step of anointing our new god, the golden child, the chosen one, the Padawan who would be Supreme Galactic Chancellor. And what a picked pickled pepper of pageantry that was. We had all the drama that the NPR-elite could possibly muster, except without all the lisping that you get on the radio version. The sidebar to this was the 1000-fold increase in activity on Denver Craigslist. Everybody got some, and then some.

And this coming week we will bear witness to the congregation of the veritable Legion of Doom to the DNC’s Super-Friends. Yes, the Republicans are coming! And they’re bringing the earth’s most popular governor with them! (Of course, it’s easy to be the earth’s most popular governor when the state of your governance has about as many people in it as Columbus, Ohio.) They’re bringing a crotchety old guy who can’t remember stuff! And they’re even bringing their own Hillary Clinton – no, not Sarah Palin (she’s more of a William H. Macy from Fargo sort of figure), but the brokenhearted, crestfallen figure of one Mitt Romney. (Let us hope that Tag and Trig can forge some sort of truce.)

But can the conservatives top the liberals in terms of sheer electronic sexual alacrity? So far, it looks like a no. But in order to sniff them out, first you have to learn how to crack their code. Republicans more than any other race of humanoids rely on code-speak to a ridiculous degree. But we’ve broken it. And so, for your edu-tainment, here are but a few of the acronyms that Republicans use when trolling the intertubes for a little NSA filibustering…

F – let’s fuck

LFCH – let’s felch

LPH – let’s phish

IWTDYOSMB – I want to drill your off-shore mines, baby

GAAPOTMLATTYC – go ahead and plaster on the makeup like a trollop tonight, you cunt

IWYTSMLOPN – I want you to shake me like our party’s nominee

OPIGDASWI – our party is going down, and so will I

SKSVILA – seeks Vicki Iseman look-alike

WINBOBFISP – who in the bluest of blue fucks is Sarah Palin

PGMHSS – please, God – make her stop screeching

YKINMK – your kink is not my kink

OKMT – okay, maybe tonight

YKINOK – your kink is no one’s kink

YKSLAADBPB – your kink smells like ass and discount-brand peanut butter

IAATPB – I am allergic to peanut butter

BITMFT – but I take medication for that

LGKTSICDULTOIT – let’s get kinky tonight so I can draw up legislation to outlaw it tomorrow

TIPCAICY – tonight, I’m pro-choice – and I choose you

AEIOU – autocratic ejaculate is our ulterior (motive)

ASY – and sometimes yellow (instead of ejaculate)

RNC=AR! – the Republican National Convention equals anal rampaging!

PDLLAC – please don’t look like Ann Coulter

FFMUILLAC – force-feminize me until I look like Ann Coulter

LLCT – let’s Larry Craig tonight

IBWATMSPIA – I’ll be waiting at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport

S#_ – stall # ___

PAMR – Patriot Act my rectum

YMTHAABOJB – you, me, Ted Haggard, and a bottle of Jim Beam

LMFDAGI – let’s meet for drinks and grope interns

TWML100YBIOL2M – the war might last 100 years, but I only last 2 minutes

PDOM – please don’t out me

SEGWMM – seriously, Ed Gillespie will murder me

RTAPT – Rudy’s throwing a party tonight

BYOD – bring your own dress